Hammer Pants Included

Hammer Pants Included

2007 Honda Element SC

While the SC model, with body-colored bumpers and slightly-lowered suspension meant as a homage to the “street tuner” crowd, is likely the coolest of the toaster-shaped Hondas, it’s really not the essence of COTD. However, we love an entertaining Craigslist ad..and this delivers.

It’s on Craigslist in Georgia for a little under $9k, but we’ve included the entire text below in case the listing expires. It’s that good.

OK, let me start off by saying this Element SC is only available for purchase by the rowdiest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Element would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that awesome.

It was never intended to drive to savannah mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Spencer’s that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to Zumba class or Fro-yo. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the Woman or Man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy-boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost (prolly because their woman helped them with the GPS), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is) – this is actually totally true.

No, this hoss comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 165 HP engine to outrun the cops and gets 23/26mpg. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Element also has an 5spd manual transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window whilst rev-matching and power-shifting at the same time – you gotta have skills to own this thing son!! It’s saved my bacon more than once – mmmm…bacon… Plus, none of the young punks who steal vehicles even know how to drive a stick anymore.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your pet tiger’s custom pad across country in style. There’s even room enough in the back to haul your AX-50 anti-material (anti-taliban/isis/boko haram/other dooshbag terrorist organization) sniper rifle along with your hulking mastiffs. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $8,872, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up five-point-palm exploding heart punch. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. And, NADA is $10k, so I’m already under book. Boom.

There’s only 127,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo, and all the miles are highway, so no worries there. Furthermore, I’ve done all the work on her myself, so you know she’s solid. New alt, new serpentine belt, new NGK plugs, and new brakes front/rear, with rotors, pads, and even fresh fluid. 2 new Pirelli’s on the front, and less than 10k mile optimos on the rear. I also just clayed her entire skin and DA waxed her with Zymol Carbon Wax. Don’t know what that is? Imagine being able to walk through the rain without it ever touching you. That’s what this Element can do. If you hit 88mph, you prolly be slick enough with this wax job to actually go back in time and stop the Kennedy assassination. Seriously, go do that. JFK was a great American and a great president. He negotiated the Cuban Missile Crisis, which stopped a potential nuclear war; he was the one who started the Space Race which ultimately landed an AMERICAN on the moon; and he was a war hero and Purple Heart bearer who was willing to die for his country long before he actually did. Back to the Element.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris/Rowdy Rhonda Rowsey stunt double, then contact me. I might be out skydiving or shark wrasslin or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Glengoolie Blue, while we listen to Johnny Cash’s “When the Man Comes Around.”

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in a pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants, or the badass chick that does ‘Fran’ sub-3 minutes. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Love you good guys. Hate you bad guys.

Rock on. ‘Murica.

2007 Honda Element SC grey front quarter Screenshot

 

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